I. Am. Not. A. Frog.

Today, I wandered into the far back corner of our yard to dispose of some coffee grounds and egg shells (I'm a conscientious consumer - I compost). When I got to the compost bins, I found...a frog. A big frog. What I didn't realize at the time was that this frog had the power of the Jedi. You see, he was hiding behind a blad of grass. A blade of dead grass, that is. But because of his Jedi powers, he was invisible to predators, such as the killer lapdog, Alabaster (our cat).

It should be noted that Alabaster routinely captures birds, snakes, frogs, lizards, mice, butterflies, dragonflies and small airplanes. Nothing escapes him. But today he was thwarted. He was completely oblivious to the frog. He was in full lapdog mode, following me around, never far from my ankles.

He stood with me during all of the photo shoot and when I tried to back up to capture a picture of him not seeing the frog, he stuck with me. I had to stretch out my right arm and aim back to get this picture.

Now, just in case you think I'm unfair, or harsh in my judgment (admittedly, it's hard to spot the huge frog behind the blade of dead grass)...when I finally pulled the lid off of the compost bin the frog flinched, lost focus and took a hop. Alabaster was onto him immediately. "Aha! What's this?!? A frog!!!"

(I have tried repeatedly to load the picture of Alabaster "nose on frog", but it keeps loading sideways!)

The frog, however, immediately invoked his Jedi powers and Al was left to wonder "Where did he go????"

Apparently the frog can't maintain The Force while hopping because Al noticed him again for his disappearing act. In this last image, Al has just looked up from sniffing where the frog was to see the frog disappearing behind the can. We'll call this...the one that got away.

On blogging, a writer's angst

In Stephen King's On Writing, he tells aspiring writers (such as myself) that you cannot be a writer if you are not a reader - particularly of the genre in which you aspire to write.

Meanwhile, I am about to be published in an inspirational magazine (Guideposts) which I read regularly. "Being published" is a HUGE affirmation. It's almost as cool as getting Comments. During the "being published" process, the very supportive editor who is working with me suggested that I blog on parenting (this is a passion for me - parenting, not blogging). So, I started blogging in earnest. (My sister had already encouraged the blogging, and I'd started blogging again here and posting photos on this site. "In earnest" mostly means this site.).

In order to be an effective blogger, I also became a blog reader. Unfortunately, I have an addictive nature and I can't seem to control myself. In part, it's the nature of the blogs to suck you in, through links & comments connecting you to other bloggers.

With some addictions, such as smoking or drinking, participation is binary: you are either engaged in your bad habit or you are not. I used to joke that I quit smoking 20-30 times a day, every time I snuffed a cigarette. I'd mastered breaking the habit when I quit lighting up. I quit lighting cigarettes (and smoking them) on June 10, 2004. Similarly, recovering alcoholics can tell you how long they have been sober. Other addictions are much harder to control.

Blog-control is like dieting. You can't be binary. You have to eat, right? I'm no good at counting calories, and I sometimes find myself in the kitchen mindlessly grazing. My computer has become my kitchen. I sit down to write something, but find myself grazing on the posts of others. My mind is so full of ideas and streams of consciousness that I'm drowning in the noise of it all. I keep stuffing myself on what I'm reading, then I don't have the time or energy to exercise my own thoughts.

I'm now trying portion control. I've bookmarked about 30 blog sites the way I might flag a new recipe or dish I want to try. Just because one bite of that cheesecake was delicious heavenly drool-inducing the stuff dreams are made of, doesn't mean I have to eat the whole thing. From the list of the 30, I hope to build a ~short blog-roll of favorites that I shall dine on regularly because they inspire me.

And, just as I have committed to work-out with Richard 5 times a week, I must find some tangible commitment to the mental work-out of writing. Does blogging count?

I am sockless

My socks are completely knocked off. I took a few hundred photos today (now "yesterday" since I'm re-posting), while swimming through the zinnias in my backyard. Butterflies, bees, spiders.... all loving the garden.

I'd been keeping an eye out for the Monarch's. I knew they were passing through, but I hadn't seen any for a few days. I wasn't sure if I'd missed 'em.

Here's the view from the office where I do my morning workout. From here - I took a closer look and I saw them! I grabbed my camera and ran outside.

I had to move in to get a really good perspective.

Finally, I was able to get some awesome close-ups. For an overview, check out my other blog: amothersangst.

Perspective

The lighting isn't very good, but I'm hoping you can see the egg timer. I mentioned to my loving husband that the time spent blogging was tending to get away from me. So....introducing the egg timer. I'm grateful. No offense to the blogging world, but I need to be working on some other endeavors. Ironically, I'm "over" my self-imposed time limit for tonight, but I had to share!

A trip to the doctor

I'm sad that I'm back in the cycle of trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Just sticking to the physical....not even touching on the rest of it. :P

Today I went to the Gastroenterologist. The build up to here is (quick run-down):

4/30 - went to my General Practitioner because my throat had been hurting for a few months. Hurts to swallow. Can't sing. Can't talk (that's a killer!) or at least limited capacity. Indication was "Acid Reflux". He sent me to an ENT.
5/1 - went to ENT. He ran optical scope down my throat for a look-see. He diagnosed "Acid Reflux" and unrelated "severely deviated septum" (because apparently only one nostril was open for the scope). Since he's an ENT, he volunteered to correct my septum. I started taking Zegerid for the acid reflux, and scheduled the surgery to correct my septum.
5/16 - Septoplasty. I don't regret the Septoplasty because I quit being a mouth-breather after the surgery. I had been waking up in the middle of the night with a screaming sore throat. Now, I breathe through my nose again.
9/18 - my last follow-up with ENT. OK, great...but my throat still hurts.
9/24 - barium swallow at Radiology.
9/26 - diagnosis "Hiatal Hernia".
10/7 - meet with GI guy (aka Gastroenterologist). Afterwards, I ask to see my folder. I discover ENT reported that I was complaining of heartburn???? and that the radiology report was ~inconclusive. I have had zero heartburn (and have said so repeatedly). 6 months after going to the doctor, I'm no closer to understanding why my throat hurts. all. of. the. time.

Today's visit to the GI office was a reminder of all painful aspects of dealing with the medical community. Because I'd been to a different arm of the practice 6 YEARS AGO!!! they had old info on file. Of course I'd given them all of my latest info when I made the new appointment... new address, new insurance, etc. But today, they told my insurance had been terminated (yes, a few years ago my employer quit offering the other company and so I had to change) and the office had NOT gotten the report from the ENT (had I realized the report was only going to be the "I didn't listen to my patient" report from my last visit I wouldn't have bothered).

My loving husband and I spent almost 2 hours at the GI office, with a total of ~5 minutes with the GI physician. We have an endoscopy scheduled for 10/21 ... wait let me tell you that story.

We were sent to schedule the endoscopy and we were asked which facility, A or B? A, we said, it's more convenient. OK, next available appointment is 11/26 (Wednesday before Thanksgiving). I commented on the proximity to the holiday and they told me not to worry - I'd have to fast on Wednesday, but should be OK for Thursday. I've heard from other sources my throat might be sore for a day or so after the procedure). I asked about appointments at facility B.... As I mentioned, we have an appointment for 10/21. 2 weeks from today vs. 6 weeks. Silly to think I might want a diagnosis sooner, or even to think my throat might stop hurting a whole month earlier! Why on earth should they even consider this???!!!! Oy-vay! But goodness, they were quick to offer excuses explanations for why they were out of control regarding appointments. "None of the charts are right!" "We have two doctors today!"

It was enough to make a girl think life is better with a chronic sore throat.

Perspective: We have friends with cancer, bone disease, Down's....I have a stupid chronic sore throat. I am sorry to complain and to abuse this forum for a ranting vent. Consider it sympathy in that in the last 8 years I have had 2 biopsies, 3 major surgeries and I'm familiar to the point of contempt for the medical practice. I've had good experiences (my new OB/GYN, my GP) to balance situations like today. I hold out hope that the diagnosis will be something that is easy to correct.

Lesson: We are each responsible for managing our (and our children's) medical course. Keep track of the history, medications, etc. I hate to say it, but - don't trust the doctors to know what's best for you (or your child). Most of the doctors are not listening to what you're saying - they're hearing what is coming through their filter of pre-conceived expectations. Keep it in prayer.

My GP is awesome because he really listens. I was appalled to see the ENT documented "she reported heartburn" when I've repeatedly said "no heartburn". It just shows me he thinks I should be having heartburn.

My prayers go out to everyone who is engaged in the process of medical diagnosis.

Peace,

This is what I'm talking about!

I don't think my pictures do it justice, but I gotta tell you...I love my yard! The zinnias are blooming in full force and it's hard for me to walk by without stopping and admiring. I wanted to take a photo of a butterfly, thinking of "Flutter" who has touched my heart. No butterflies, though. Maybe it is too late in the day.

This is so much different than what I do for a living. It is so different from the clanging and banging of thoughts in my head. It is nothing but peace and beauty. Nothing for me to do but stop and admire. And thank the good Lord for blessing me. No matter what, I know that I have received blessings in abundance.

I read somewhere that zinnias grow to ~3 feet tall. Thankfully no one told my zinnias! The tallest are at least 7 feet tall. Doesn't it figure they'd be overachievers?

It just goes to show....

...you never know. I thought for sure my Trumpet article would be on the subject of healing, but instead I shared some musings on the subject of commitments. I was inspired by the Capital City marching band competition. I wrote the article from my seat in the bleacher, after my son's school performed. Was I a slacker for waiting until the last minute to put something together for the Trumpet? Or was it divine guidance? I don't think the subject of healing is fully baked yet. I missed the deadline but our editor-in-chief is an awesome individual, and the article made it into this month's newsletter.

Trumpet archives can be found at: http://www.cectx.org/CECTrumpet.htm

"Almighty and everlasting God, you are always more ready to hear than we to pray, and to give more than we either desire or deserve: Pour upon us the abundance of your mercy, forgiving us those things of which our conscience is afraid, and giving us those good things for which we are not worthy to ask."

On the subject of healing

In 2002 I started having mysterious abdominal pain. Bloating, cramps, gas....

Here's a picture of me at the time (I'm the one in uniform). I was performing in a community theater production of "Rumors" and I remember having to go outside before going onstage. I would step outside and belch as much as possible to alleviate the gas in my stomach. My belly was bloated, and boy did those pants show it off!

I went through a barrage of medical tests to identify the problem. Since the trouble seemed to be gastrointestinal, I started with a GI guy. He didn't find anything so my next stop was an OB/GYN. She scheduled an exploratory laparoscopy. I went in for a 30 minute outpatient procedure on a Friday afternoon that turned into a 3 hour procedure and 4 days in the hospital. I had severe endometriosis. The doc sliced me open (full pelvic incision, about 8 inches long side-to-side). She carefully cleaned everything up as best she could, and took only one ovary. When she stopped by to see me Monday, she was very pleased with herself. I was PO'd. I had started my period not too long after waking up from the surgery.

When I saw the doctor Monday, I'd already had a couple of days to wonder why she hadn't performed a hysterectomy. There I was in my hospital bed, vomiting from the anesthesia (yes, for days), constipated (a separate agony), and menstruating. My reproductive system was clearly malfunctioning. I have four children, I was almost 40, my husband was in the waiting room and the paperwork had been signed allowing him to make medical decisions. I never did understand her response when I asked her, "Why?" - "But you're so young!"

Last year, 5 years after the first surgery, I had a hysterectomy to correct the severe endometriosis that had inevitably returned. The 2nd go-round was a completely different experience with a competent, compassionate doctor. The tragedy is that I'm having to do hormone replacement which would *probably* have been avoided if the 1st doctor had left the one good ovary but removed the rest of the reproductive organs.

As I reflect on the nightmare of the 1st round of this experience, I'm reminded that healing is a multi-faceted challenge. I tend to think of healing as physical, but we need to be healthy in our "whole self," so mental and spiritual healing is also required.

1 Corinthians 6:19 "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?"

We must take care of ourselves - body, mind and spirit - in order to be a worthy vessel for the Holy Spirit. If our bodies are broken, our minds distracted, our spirits conflicted, we are in need of healing. It wasn't enough for me to be mended and no long suffering from cramps. I also needed to forgive Doctor #1, and "let it go". For me to be fully healed, I had to free my mind and my heart from the lingering hurt and sense of injustice.

My goal is to be so full of the Holy Spirit it spills out of my eyes, my mouth and my blogging fingertips. I do not want to be perforated with emotional wounds that allow the Spirit to drain away. I do not want to be tainted with poisons that kill the Spirit. I nourish the Spirit with the Word (John 1). I replenish by drinking from the well (John 4). When I'm spiritually wounded, afflicted, tormented by demons, I pray for healing...just as I do when I'm physically ill. It is our obligation to take care of ourselves.

Be well,

Zinnias!

I needed a moment of flowers and sunshine.

Note to self

"Do not let blogging become your new addiction."

I'm blogging as part of my new discipline in living a balanced life. I have successfully shaken an addiction to World of Warcraft (an online game, also fondly referred to as "World of Warcrack"). In the game, one thing tends to lead to another and you can spend hours (and hours) playing, completely losing track of time. It seems in the blogging network, something similar happens. Some level of discipline is required to avoid getting sucked into the vortex.

As part of my new discipline, I have made some commitments to myself. I must continue my regular work-outs (at least 5 times a week I spend 15-20 minutes with Richard Simmons). I must continue to work (professionally) because I enjoy the regular paychecks. I am still writing monthly pieces for my church newsletter, and the October deadline is fast-approaching.

I have not done any bible-study homework this week (since Sunday, when I realized we weren't meeting for 2 weeks)! This is not fitting with the new discipline. I should maintain some level of study, so I will use the extra time to study scripture on "obedience" and "submission". What exactly is the difference?

Robbed of my voice, I've been given a voice

In the spring I developed a sore throat that wouldn't go away. No cough, or other symptoms, just a sore throat. I'd been singing in the church choir and I noticed I couldn't hit the high notes. OK, I'm an alto to start with, but my already low range seemed to be getting lower. Finally I went to my GP who sent me to an ENT, indicating that it might be acid reflux. The ENT confirmed (after sending an optical scope down my throat) that I had "classic acid reflux" (GERD). This was causing the chronic laryngitis.

He put me on Zegerid, which I've been taking for ~6 months. He also declared my septum "severely deviated" and recommended surgery. This had nothing to do with the acid reflux, but it a problem he could correct. I had that surgery in May. One major motivator was that I was waking up in the middle of the night with an extremely (I mean extraordinarily!!!) sore throat from breathing through my mouth. I don't regret the surgery, but on my last follow-up visit I commented that my throat was still sore and I was still having trouble swallowing. He sent me to radiology for a barium swallow. He called last week with the results. I have a hiatal hernia.

So...now I'm waiting to see the GI guy; I have an appointment for next week. And all of this is my way of explaining how I went from a yackety-yack talker to a blah-blah-blogger.

Two, two, two blogs in one... too many?

I'd started this blog a long time ago, and the focus has been on my beautiful yard and other life adventures. I wanted to start a blog specifically on parenting, so I kicked off "amothersangst". Now, when I make comments on other blogs, it leaves a link behind that sends folks to my profile. If they want, and are interested, they can pick a blog. I haven't seen any others set up this way. I'm not sure how to make the link I leave go directly to the other blog. I'm not even sure if people are reading either blog, or just departing in disgust (or whatever emotion).

{sigh}

I am committed to writing. I want to write. I'm compelled to write. Having a blog that no one reads is a little like keeping a journal that you leave laying around in the open. It might get read.... So, I'll keep writing, regardless. I am delighted with how many literate, articulate, passionate folks there are blogging away. You (or "they" if I'm talking to myself) are truly an inspiration.

Visiting my husband in jail

It's not what you think! My husband is an active leader in a prison ministry called Kairos. Today was the closing ceremony. It is always very moving and uplifting to hear the men talk about how the weekend has affected them. It means a lot to them that people on "the outside" care about them. The letters we've written, the prayers we've lifted up, and our presence at the end....all speak volumes. Sometimes these are the only letters/visits these men have received during their stay at Bartlett Jail. It's unfortunate there's not more of a program for them after they get out of jail. It's sorta like AA - a weekly meeting is a must! It is wonderful to hear how they have been changed, but it would be better to know that the support system will carry them through the huge transition of returning to life outside.

Any thoughts? Anyone out there have a story to tell about a loved one who's "done time"?

Renewal

What an interesting journey I've been on! At least from my perspective. "Interesting" in the chinese curse sort of way, perhaps, but I am not the same person I was 2 years ago, that is for sure.

Two years ago..... I had only one grandchild, and great hopes. In September '06 I delivered (yes, literally was on the receiving end) my 2nd grandchild. A granddaughter. She now lives in Washington, DC with the parents who adopted her. Last month they informed us they have changed their mind about letting us see her. I'm thinking of starting a grandparent's rights advocacy group. When our granddaughter was born, I hit a seriously low point. I lack the vocabulary to describe how low. From there, up or out were my only options. Fortunately, it was "up". I hope to spend some time documenting all I have learned since '06. It's been quite an adventure. I've started a separate blog - "A mother's angst" to document the heartache and learnings. I hope to get lots of feedback from folks, and to share "what not to do's".

I will post new pictures of my fabulous backyard on the alternative "oasis" blog, because it was easier to load photos there. I am blessed to have such a retreat.

I will use this blog to talk more about general goings on and commentaries on life in general. I've been reading, reading, reading lately. I'm currently engrossed in "Eat, Pray, Love". Have you read it?

I'm also writing. Last year I wrote a manuscript for Guidepost Magazine, which I finally submitted. I was trying to get into their Writer's Workshop, but instead they accepted the article and are planning to publish it in January, '09! I've become a regular contributor to my Church's monthly newsletter, and now... I'm back to blogging. My sister pointed me to Mrs. G, and now I'm really inspired! Is it too late to be a part of Project Ass '08???? Plus - it's great to realize there's a whole world of bloggers out there! What a community!

I'm looking forward to being a part of it.

Check this out, please - and let me know what you think:

http://backyardoasis.spaces.live.com/

This site seems better for photo album management. I'm updating it regularly with new photos.

If you are having difficulty viewing the photos on the spaces.live site, you might want to try it. Go to GetFirefox.com and download this free browser.

A view from upstairs

Nautical Artifacts

I love the beach and I love being in, near or around water. On our last trip to Port Aransas, I also discovered a love of treasure hunting. At local gift shops and restaurants I tried on several occasions to purchase decorative items that had actually been recovered from the sea. No one was willing to sell, but I did learn that what the sea offers up is considered public domain. I went so far as to talk to the harbor-master and he confirmed that we could just comb the beach without regard to property lines or ownership. Here are some of our finds.

We hauled this enormous net with our jetski. I'm still amazed we did not do harm to man or machine during our adventures. I hung this net out hoping that someday I'll understand how the heck it works. I welcome all to study the picture or come visit in person, to help. I'm not certain that I'll ever figure out this riddle on my own.

The 2 palm trees are supposed to max out at 80 feet. They're planted in a sand bed, as recommended. With all that sand, our beach-finds seem quite at home. A couple of buoys, some driftwood and a couple of coconuts, mixed with shells and a few washed-up bottles hopefully create a castaway feel.

Port Aransas - early June

We stayed in the upstairs of this 2-story duplex beach house. The bare wood is accented with some very bright colors - part of the inspiration for the oasis. You can see the jet ski at the right in the driveway. The jet ski was our vessel for recovering nautical treasures, now found in the oasis. The beach house was quite old and "grandfathered" in its location - construction is no longer allowed so close to the beach.

From the porch, we could see the ocean across the dune. You could also sit and listen to the lulling sound of waves breaking, and the accompanying caw of seagulls.

I got up at sunrise on our last morning and took some pictures on the beach. The beaches were clean and uncrowded and we had a wonderful experience. Maybe that's why I've tried to capture so much of it in our backyard.

And...the backyard came to fruition by sacrificing the family trip to Hawaii. So... we created our own oasis.